I love Cards Against Humanity. I am glad there exists such a game that fuels that nasty side of me that appears when I play Apples to Apples.
(You have no idea how many disgusted looks you can get when you play ‘Michael J. Fox’ on “shaky”.)
A trend that has come up while playing Cards Against Humanity with my gaming group is that every time I break it out, everyone plays through ALL the white cards. Every time. Without fail. After ten or so games, you realize that you’ve easily seen all of the white cards and probably most of the black cards. Now, I certainly don’t want to imply that CAH has no replay value. However, sometimes you need to spice things up a bit, if only for the sake of having a different experience. From this need for variety came Cards Against Humanity: Presidential Debate Edition.
What I did was I hosted a CAH party at every Presidential debate for 2012. We played some normal rounds to warm up, and then tuned into the debate to let the moderators supply us with our “black cards” (all asked questions). We then all submitted an answer per normal rules, and we democratically decided which white card was the best. Sometimes, we got fantastic combinations. Other times, it sort of fell flat on its face. Overall though, it was a good time, and a nice change of pace. We recorded some of the most entertaining results and have included them below.
It wasn’t easily converted, however. For starters, not all the questions to the candidates lent themselves to the format of the game, so sometimes we had to get creative. Other times we just had to scrap the idea entirely. When you read some of the questions, then, understand that we took some liberties with the phrasing as to suit the game format. Additionally, some questions were posed specifically to certain candidates, while others were open-ended for both to answer. In some of those situations, we answered for each candidate separately.
These are the results of our experiment. I hope you enjoy!
Debate #1
The first debate was almost a total bust. It turns out that Jim Lehrer’s incessant ability to pose every question as “How do you two differentiate…” can be really annoying, and provided absolutely no useful fodder to our fun.
Note: We chose a few favorite responses because we had a lot of people playing.
What are the major differences between the two of you about how you would go about creating new jobs? (One pile)
Pretending to Care / Sunshine and Rainbows / Historical revisionism
What are the differences between the two of you on how you go about tackling the deficit problem in this country?
Obama: Michelle Obama’s arms / Apologizing / The mixing of the races
Romney: Repression / Five-Dollar Footlongs / Dying
Do you see a major difference between the two of you (My opponent’s view) on Social Security?
Obama: Being a dick to children / An army of skeletons / Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor
Romney: Jibber-Jabber / A soulful rendition of “Ol’ Man River” / Taking a man’s eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and then his balls in the eye holes
Do you believe there is a fundamental difference between the two of you about your [What is your opinion on the] mission of the role of government?
Obama: Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine / Getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group / A disappointing birthday party.
Romney: Moral ambiguity / Upgrading homeless people to mobile hotspots / Mutually-assured destruction / Sweet sweet vengeance.
——————————————————————
Debate #2
The second debate turned out to be the gold mine, with easily transposed questions with not much re-wording necessary.
[To Romney]: What can you say to reassure me that I will be able to sufficiently support myself after I graduate?
Words, words, words.
[To Obama]: What is the job of the energy department?
50,000 volts straight to the nipples
[To Romney]: What will be your position on tax credits that are important to the middle class (education,
mortgage, child, charity, etc)?
Whipping a disobedient slave.
[To Obama]: In what new ways do you intend to rectify the inequalities in the workplace, specifically regarding females making only 72% of what their male counterparts earn?
8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin
[To Romney]: Since both you and President Bush are Republicans, what is the biggest difference between the two of you and how do you differentiate between the two of you?
One trillion dollars
[To Obama]: What have you done or accomplished to earn my vote in 2012? I’m not as optimistic as I was in 2008; most things that I need are more expensive.
Black people
[To Romney]: What do you plan on doing with immigrants that do not have their green card that are currently living here as productive members of society?
Gladiatorial combat
[To Obama]: Who was it that denied enhanced security to Benghazi and why? (Pick 2)
White people; Hurricane Katrina
[To Obama]: What has your administration done or plan to do to limit the availability of assault weapons?
Michelle Obama’s arms
[To Romney]: What plans do you have to put back and keep jobs in the United States?
Take-backsies
What do you believe is the biggest misperception that the American people have about you as a man and as a candidate?
Romney: Overcompensation
Obama: Morgan Freeman’s voice
And, as with many Cards Against Humanity games, we ended our night with “Make a Haiku”. Here are our haikus from the evening:
- Living in a trashcan; Repression; Leveling up
- Tasteful sideboob; Flightless birds; The Trail of Tears
- Public ridicule; Bitches; Sexy pillow fights
- An army of skeletons; An M-16 assault rifle; The harsh light of day
- Barack Obama; The Holy Bible; A big hoopla about nothing
- A live studio audience; Teaching a robot to love; When you fart and a little bit comes out
——————————————————————
Debate #3
The third debate started strong, but about two-thirds of the way through, the questions got a bit scattered and broad, and we ended up giving up on it.
[To Romney]: Why is American policy in the Middle East unraveling before our very eyes?
White privilege
[To Obama]: How do we better influence events in Syria?
Stormtroopers
What is America’s role in the world?
Romney: Natural Male Enhancement
Obama: The mixing of the races
[To Romney]: Where are you going to get the money for more military spending?
The Devil himself
What would you compare an attack on Israel as compared to an attack on the United States?
Obama: Passive-aggressive Post-it notes
Romney: Beating your wives
[To Obama]: What would you accept as part of a deal for peaceful negotiations with Iran?
Cuddling
——————————————————————
If you are interested in trying your own rendition of Cards Against Humanity: Presidential Edition, here are links to the three debates.
Debate Number One: Moderated by Jim Lehrer
Debate Number Two: Moderated by Candy Crowley
Debate Number Three: Moderated by Bob Schieffer
We didn’t get a chance to do the Vice-Presidential Debate, but feel free to give it a try! Biden alone would be worth the attempt…
Joe Bouchard is a regular contributor to the site
and can be reached at joe@cardboardrepublic.com.